what to say when someone wants to die

Two people in hoodies sit on the beach with their back to us, facing the ocean. Each person's hood is up.

Many people badly want to know what to say – and what not to say – to someone who is thinking of suicide. The commodity 10 Things Non to Say to a Suicidal Person is SpeakingOfSuicide.com's most popular post. Almost a half-million people have viewed it in the final 2½ years. Several hundred have left comments.

Sometimes people complain to me that the post describes what not to say, only it doesn't say enough about what to say. They're correct. And so in this post, I provide 10 things to say to a suicidal person.

Starting time, Some Caveats

Before starting, I want to brand some things clear: I came up with this list based on my conversations with suicidal individuals in my work as a clinical social worker, my readings of both clinical literature and accounts by individuals who experienced suicidal crises, and my ain past experiences with suicidal thoughts. Nobody has really researched systematically the most effective things for friends or family to say to a suicidal person, so stance and feel are the best we've got for now. Results will vary according to different people's needs and personalities.

I as well desire to make articulate that this list of things to say is not intended to be a script. Instead, I illustrate means that you tin can help a suicidal person continue to open upward, rather than shutting the person down with a annotate that minimizes, invalidates, or even denigrates the person's experience.

Just a pretty picture of an orange tiled roof And I want to add together that what to say oftentimes isn't nearly as of import as how to heed. Every bit I explain in my mail "How Would You Listen to a Person on the Roof?", someone who is thinking of suicide needs to experience understood. Permit the person tell their story. Refrain from immediately trying to ready the state of affairs or make the person feel better. These efforts, all the same well intended, can halt the conversation.

And then, with all that said, here are 10 things you lot can say to someone who tells you lot that they are considering suicide.

ane. "I'one thousand then glad you told me that you're thinking of suicide."

When someone discloses suicidal thoughts, some parents, partners, friends and others react with anger ("Don't be stupid!"), pain ("How could you think of hurting me like that?"), or disbelief ("Yous tin can't be serious.") Some "freak out." A suicidal person might then feel a need to comfort the hurt person, provide a defence force to the angry person, or retreat internally from the disbelieving person. The person might regret ever having shared in the first place that they were thinking of suicide.

Past saying "I'thou glad you told me" – or something similar – you convey that y'all welcome and encourage disclosure of suicidal thoughts, and that you tin handle it.

2. "I'yard sorry y'all're pain like this."

This simple expression of empathy tin can go a long mode toward validating the person's pain and soothing a sense of aloneness. There's no "Oh it's non so bad," no "Yous don't actually hateful that," no "But y'all have so much going for yous," no other statement denying or minimizing the person's pain.

3. "What'due south going on that makes you want to die?"

Two young men sit together, both looking worried or stressed, but not looking at each other or saying anything This invitation to the suicidal person to tell their story can provide validation, engender a sense of connectedness, and show that you really want to sympathise. Inquire the person to tell their story. Then, heed. Actually heed. To deepen your understanding, follow up with more invitations to share, similar "Tell me more." Show empathy and understanding, too: "That sounds awful" or "I can see why that's painful."

4. "When do you think you'll act on your suicidal thoughts?"

Even if yous're not a mental health professional, you still can enquire some bones questions to aid understand the person's risk for suicide. Asking almost timing volition make the divergence betwixt whether yous need to call someone immediately for assist (for example, if the person says, "I have a gun in my backpack and I'chiliad going to shoot myself during tiffin") or whether you can go on to have leisurely conversation with the person.

5. "What ways do you think of killing yourself?"

This is another take chances-assessment question. The reply can help reveal the gravity of the situation. A person who has put a lot of fourth dimension and thought into suicide methods might be in more than danger than someone with a vague wish to be expressionless, for example.

Understanding the suicide methods that the person has considered besides volition help you in your efforts to go on the person prophylactic. For example, if you're a parent and your teenage child discloses suicidal thoughts, knowing that your teenager is considering overdosing on a painkiller alerts you to the need to lock upwardly or throw away all potentially dangerous medications. (Meet this data from the Eye for Youth for ways to make your home safer.)

6. "Do you lot have access to a gun?"

Even if you think the person doesn't own a gun or can't get a hold of one, this data is always important. If the answer is yes, enquire the person to consider giving the gun (or a primal piece of the gun) to someone, locking the gun up and giving someone the key, or doing something else to brand the abode gun-complimentary until the danger of suicide goes downwards. For more information well-nigh firearm safety related to suicide run a risk, also see this gun safe fact canvas.

7. "Help is available."

By telling the person nearly help that's available, you can help them to not feel then solitary, helpless, or hopeless. If you are in the U.Southward., you tin give them the number to the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline (800.273.8255) or the Crisis Text Line (741-741). You likewise tin show them the SpeakingOfSuicide.com Resources page, which lists other resources in the U.S. and worldwide to receive assist past phone, electronic mail, text, or online chat. If the person who reveals suicidal thoughts to you is your child, take them to a mental wellness professional or an emergency room for an evaluation.

8. "What tin can I do to help?"

Definitely tell the person about resources for assistance, but also brand clear that yous are available, too, if you're able to do so. That said, there'southward only then much yous can do, and so if you are feeling solely responsible for keeping the person alive, it'southward all-time to involve others, too.

9. "I care most you, and I would be and so sad if yous died by suicide."

Exist conscientious here. In my earlier mail service, one of the 10 things not to say is, "Don't you know I would exist devastated if you killed yourself? How could you lot recall of pain me similar that?" As I note in that postal service, "Your loved one already feels awful. Heaping guilt on top of that is not going to help them feel soothed, understood, or welcome to tell y'all more."

At the same time, a uncomplicated statement of how much you care about or love the person tin help nurture a sense of connection, if your statement isn't an attempt to stop the person from talking further almost suicide.

ten. "I hope you'll go along talking to me near your thoughts of suicide."

Simply every bit you want the person to experience welcome for having shared their suicidal thoughts to you, it's good to make clear that you would welcome further disclosures, as well. Oft, someone who has suicidal thoughts senses from others an expectation to "become over it already." By inviting the person to come up to y'all once again about their suicidal thoughts, you lot can aid prevent isolation and secrecy.

What Are Your Ideas most What to Say to a Suicidal Person?

In that location are many other helpful responses besides those listed here. If yous accept thoughts of suicide, what exercise you wish someone would say to you if yous told them? If you take always helped a suicidal friend or family fellow member, what responses from you seemed to foster sharing, connection, and condom? Please feel free to leave a comment below.

Stacey Freedenthal, PhD, LCSW, is the author of "Helping the Suicidal Person: Tips and Techniques for Professionals," a psychotherapist and consultant, and an acquaintance professor at the University of Denver Graduate School of Social Piece of work.

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Source: https://www.speakingofsuicide.com/2017/10/03/10-things-to-say/